Oklahoma winds.

Image from www.google.com

When I look back on this date I will remember exactly where I was, who I was with, and how I felt.  I was at my job running down a hallway, as the lights flickered on and off. I was holding hands with my co-worker running to the safe spot in the middle of the casino. The tornado that hit Moore, Oklahoma today was very close to where I call home. Moore is a place that I go to all the time. It is literally the next town over. I have not seen the devastation in person yet because the highway is closed, however the images that the news is showing is absolutely heartbreaking. I want to let all the families know they are in my heart forever. 

The sadness I feel is overbearing. The thought of a tornado is so scary. If you have never been around one or only seen them on TV. I can tell you now that is how you want to see one. Being near one or in the middle of one is a nightmare. I still remember the first tornado I witnessed. If you are from here you know the one. May 3rd is not just another day in Oklahoma. It was a day that we lost our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends. It was the strongest tornado recorded at the time. I still remember where I was that day. It is actually quite a funny story. 

The year was 1999. The sky started ringing the loudest sounds I had ever heard. It sang a song that told everyone around to get underground right now. My family did not have a shelter so we went into this huge ditch and put mattresses over us. I look back on this memory and realize how ridiculous this was. My family also would go to the bridge and hide underneath it. As many of you know both of these things were not going to save me or my family. I told you it was kind of funny. 

Is it not strange how when a traumatic event happens we remember every detail of that day. This is one of those days. I wont be able to forget. When I hear that siren fill the air I will think twice about how I handle future warnings. If anybody feels the same as I do, or has a question I will be right here. I know that we will overcome all of this. We always do! I am very proud of my state today. My thoughts are with every one of you.

Kelly Rose

Shooting Star.

This week has been a strange one. I feel like so much is going on in my life. I also have realized that when I keep busy I am a happier person in general. It is when I am left alone to my thoughts where the worst part of me emerges. Things in my life seem to be looking up. I am a firm believer in what I call the "sling shot effect". If you have never heard such a thing, allow me to explain. Life pulls you down. At times it might pull you so far you wont believe in anything but the bad. It is pulling you back to shoot you forward. You do not deserve the good, if you cannot go through the bad. In my opinion at least. 

My sling shot has shot me forward. I am not going to let it take all the credit though. I helped a little. 

At this moment I am listening to Hello Goodbye- In your arms in acoustic. I do not know about you guys, but there is nothing I love more than acoustic. It is beautiful. Please do press that play button. 

Well guys It is already 1am here so I am going to get some sleep. I will be back next time. 

Kelly Rose

Since I've Been Gone.

Hello world. I have been absent for quite some time. I have been too preoccupied with work. While I was away I did many things. Some are not so great. That picture right there pretty much explains itself. I had a delicious coffee. 

I watched my daughter play outside. She is growing up right before my very eyes. Each day I try to measure how big she is beside me. I cherish every day with her. Everyone always tells you that the time flies. I have witnessed this myself. The years just flying by. 

As I previously mentioned some are not so great. I got a hot new pair of shades! 











I did some modeling...

Emol&Kelly

I went to the Norman Music Festival. I had a blast with my husband and friends. We filled Sonic cups with vodka and slush. They were extremely strong. We had a blast.







The night before me and my husband walked around the festival. When we were going to leave it started raining. We had to walk blocks to our car in the pouring down rain.  I always saw on romantic movies people would kiss in the rain. We tried it, it was nice. We didn't even run to the car just walked. It was fun.




I HAD A BIRTHDAY!!!!!
You are now looking at a 24 year old. I did not make big plans for my birthday. I was broke and it fell on a Wednesday. I did however go to a passion party. At this passion party I had a penis cookie.



As you can see I have been way too busy.
I need to go put my little one to bed. I will see you guys next time. 

-Kelly Rose

A work in progress.

  Life is passing me by

I stop for nothing, leaving nothing behind

I sometimes look up and I wonder why  

So much to do, so little time

It is not time to whine

It is time to shine
To burn bright
or die trying

written by: Kelly Rose Edwards
April 24,2013

Winds Of Change.

Here we are again. It is 11:30 pm in Oklahoma. I am once again sitting on my bed. watching episodes of cash cab. The computer is heated as it sits on my lap. I have been staring at this blank page for what feels like an hour. Do you ever have so much to say, then nothing can come to mind? My eyes are burning from how tired I am. I really do not feel like sleeping though. Too much is on my mind.

I have been on this personal journey of a sorts lately. I have spoken briefly about it in my past blogs. I have embraced the winds of change. I want to better myself. I am sort of a lazy person. It takes a lot to motivate me. I wish I had all the energy I see other moms have. I think they may all be on meth. I am kidding of course. 

Here lately I have been trying to include my husband on my journey. I would love to have his support in bettering ourselves. I talked and talked. He listened. He is pretty good at that most of the time. We talked about moving to Las Vegas so I could cocktail for a year and make boo-Koo money. We discussed moving to Denver and freezing our asses off. We talked about our future for the first time in a long time. I normally do not like making false realities, however something tells me if me and my husband got on the same track things would finally be okay. It is hard being the only person working in the household. It has showed me just how strong I truly am. I can handle the pressure of the world on my shoulders. I will not give up. I will find a better way to support my family.

My daughter begs me to stay home. She says she wishes I could pick her up from school everyday. She says these things not to break my heart, but to let me know she misses me. I wish sometimes that I could just wake up and be fine. I would not have to work, or pay bills, or worry about food. My car would not be a piece of shit and it would always be full of gas. I can dream of this Utopia but I will never have it until I work my ass off to get it. 

I am not some naive little girl, who thinks the world will fall into my hands. I understand that to have that security you have to work hard. I am motivated to change, to find who I am, where I belong. My life has not been the easiest. I was born into poverty. I have been poor. I mean real poor. I always remember that. I remember where I came from and how far I have already gotten. 

I think more people should want to change. Never settle in your ways. Do not get use to life. It is a bipolar bitch and will change. Be prepared for those moments. You will have your days where you feel defeated. That is okay! I accept those days for what they are. I embrace my sadness, then I pick up and move on. I trust the universe to guide me exactly where I am suppose to go. 

Kelly Rose

You.

You

You bring out the best part of me
You

You leave and

I tell myself to breathe

I, I  cry just to take away the pain

lonely in love 
I forever remain

And there you were in the light

You take my hand and we take off flight

We fly...

We were so high
I felt so alive
inside

You 

You bring out the worst part of me

Written by: Kelly Rose Edwards

April 18, 2013

*P.S.
This is actually a song. I wrote it last night while in the bathtub. I raced to write it down on my blog before my memory failed me. It is still not finished. I have the verse, the chorus, and the hook. I need a 2nd verse. So I will update when I am all the way done. 

Today.

Headphones...check.

Bad ass phone with music player...check

Blog will be ready in...3...2...1

Today...

It started off great. I awoke to the beautiful sun peeking through the blinds of my window. I then got ready for work. It takes a lot of preparation for my job. I can without a shadow of doubt say that it takes longer than any other job I have ever had. I have to put on a full face of makeup which includes the following (In no specific order).

• Primer
• Concealer
• Foundation
• Powder foundation
• Eyeliner
• False eyelashes
• Lipstick
• Bronzer
• Blush
• Eyeshadow

The end result is simply stunning. If I don't say so myself. As I was saying. My day started off great. I drove to work with my radio loud and the windows down. I walked confidently into work. My work day flew by with the help of all of my co-workers. We talk about all kinds of random things. I absolutely love being there sometimes.

 I got off work and drove to my corporate office where I re-took my bar exam (for bar tending). It wasn't until I got home where things started to fall apart. I am a strong person. I do so much. I didn't come here to tell the world the details of mine and my husbands arguments. I came here to vent as usual. This blog is my sanctuary. Honestly here lately I have pretty much only have a couple of friends. I am pretty sad I just lied to a bunch of people I do not know. I have friends. They just are not here. You see kids this thing called life sometimes takes you to crazy places. In my friends case that crazy place ended up being Denver.

I guess you can say I miss my friends. I do every single day. While they are off living their dreams. I am here in a battlefield, broken and alone. I am always alone. Life is so funny, and by funny I mean fucked. While day dreaming today I thought about how 6 months ago I was the happiest I had ever been. Then it all changed. I say changed, but I meant life came crashing down. Everything I had previously known fell apart. I was forced to change on a dime. To choose to not fade away and guess what blog readers? I soared.

I can be happy. I do not have to settle for less than acceptable at least. I heard this quote once and it resonated with me.

 I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question. -Harun Yahya

I am glad I came here. When I write it is soothing for me. I can write way better than I can talk. When I talk I do not think, I just speak. When I write I am able to really think about what I put on a page. I will admit I am random. I am working on things. I will see you guys tomorrow at the same time.

Kelly Rose

Off My Chest.

Today has been surprisingly great. I hope that all my readers out there have had an equally great day as well. I have already been to work and back. I made a little extra today. I was able to take my husband out for a wonderful lunch/dinner. I love doing stuff with him. It seems like here lately I am always at work or asleep. My work gets the best part of me. I try really hard to be in my daughters life. I work all day then when I get home I am all over her. I ask a lot of questions. I like to know what is going on in her life. I also want to be close with her. If she tells me everything now my plan is we will be that close when she is in that terrible teenager phase.

It is tough being a working mother. I feel like sometimes I miss things. I would love to be with her all day every day. I guess I am one of those crazy moms. I just love that little girl. I am  now sitting here with a full belly and a big smile on my face. I am just so happy to learn that within a week you lovely readers have been reading away. I have reached 700 views! Only 300 are from this week though. I will take 300 a week. That is amazing and all of you are equally amazing. The thought alone of that many people reading my blog is kind of scary. Who are you people? Why do you care? I am joking of course. I am sure you read because this blog is just too awesome to look away. 

If you guys have any questions or suggestions speak up! I would love to hear from each and every one of you. If you are too shy then just be anonymous. I owe each of you a big thank you! I love to write and it feels good to have that many people who care enough to read what I write. I hope each of you have a great day. I know I am.

Kelly Rose.

She Calls Me Mommy.

Today I stood in an auditorium full of proud parents and hundreds of elementary school students. They had all gathered for the Friday assembly. This assembly was not like every Friday. They were honoring 12 students for being the.... (Insert drum roll).

Terrific kid of the month!

I could not believe how proud I was. I stood there with a smile on my face. I have done a good job. I love seeing her shine at her school. She is just a diamond. When she is with those kids I see a whole new side of her. For those of you who do not know me personally my daughter is 6. She will be 7 in October 2013. I love hearing about all the elementary drama that goes on behind those walls.

So, apparently one of her friends is being mean to her. My daughter told me she would draw pictures for this said girl and the girl would just rip them to shreds. My daughter asked the girl why she was being mean. The girl told her she was still her friend, but she did not want to play with her anymore. All I can say is wow. She is only 6 and these girls are already evil. I remember how mean little girls can be I was a mean girl. I also was picked on so I know both sides of this story. As a mom there is nothing I want more than to protect my baby girl from harm. So naturally I wanted to find this little girl and push her down. I did not nor would I ever push a little girl down. Man did I want to though.

I have noticed a huge spike in readers for that I am thankful for. I only write to get things off my chest in a safe environment.  I just wanted to share my proud mommy moment. 

Kelly Rose

A Look Inside.

Hello world.

 I do not know about you guys, but I am a day dreamer. When my days get crazy I just close my eyes and imagine that I am in a better place. I have noticed in my day dreams I am always alone. My husband is not there to nag me or tease me. My daughter is not there to ask me the same question every 5 minutes. I am all alone. 

I enjoy when I am alone. I think a lot about my life and where I have been and where I am going? What kind of person will my daughter be? How will I look at 30? How will I look at 40?







 I have always been a "in the moment" kind of person. I can tell it has not gotten me anywhere. I need to embrace some kind of change in my life. I want to be happier in my relationships. I am not saying just my marriage either. My relationships with family and friends could use some improving. As you can probably tell by that picture I am slightly awkward.






So back to day dreaming! I will paint a picture of what a normal Kelly day dream looks like. I am  in a pink bikini. I imagine if I was on this beach I would need some sort of cute floppy hat. A corona sitting on the table next to me. My toes dipping into the ice cold water while the sun kisses my body. I am alive.

Kelly Rose. 

  

People Talk.

I am sitting here alone

Just trying to maintain

I am counting all of my blessings

I am always trying to change

I am stuck

I have been here for some time

I am in a rut

There is nothing left to do but climb

Everything happens for a reason

or at least that is what they say

It is the change of the season

One that keeps you at bay

You listen to what they say

Kelly Rose

Me and My Headphones.

I am closed off from the world. I become invisible the minute I put on my headphones. It is just me and my music. I can feel it surging through my veins instantly making every problem disappear or amplify. At this moment it is neither. My problems are still there, however I do not feel worse. I am just alone in my head dancing on the dance floor of my mind. I fade away....

I am sure we all feel that way every now and then. I think that is why music is so great. Every person can just loose themselves, even for a moment. Life is too short to always take yourself so seriously. I can be the worst offender of that one. I am not that girl right now though. I am swaying my body, eyes closed, one with myself. I am at peace. 

At this moment this is the song I find myself going towards. It's lyrics have no meaning to me. My husband is not cheating. I just think it was covered well. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z5X9_3HCRQ

If you did not click the link you were missing the Florence Welch from Florence and the Machine. She is covering the famous rap song "I don't wanna know". I have been finding gems like this on YouTube. I just love it.

Off I go!

Kelly Rose.

Pieces of me, for you!

This is kind of an interesting thing I have been working on. I of course wanted to share if with all 4 of my fans. I have been writing since about 5th grade. I do not mean just writing letters and shit. I wrote my first short story in the 5th grade. I received author of the year award and this was a catalyst. I have been writing since. I have written too many short stories to count, countless poems, and the occasional screen play. I went through my work and not all of it was good enough to make the cut. I found little pieces of beauty in some of the poems. That my friends is what I am about to show you. 

04-25-05                                Alone in a cold cluttered hell

What do I do? I am surrounded by lies

. I do not have time to think of where I will take this life.

 The whole world is resting in my hands.

 The weight is crushing me down. I am lost in a storm, desperate to survive

. I am born to live, then I live to die.

I was going through a bit of a phase...

10-29-05                                                        Untitled

Once upon a time, there was emptiness.

I had resigned.

I met the one. He flew me away.

Now he is gone, I am gone

Life moves on.

He took my breathe away.

He takes my pain away.

Once upon a time, he came and took me high.

He took. Then he left all the same.

Leaving me the one in pain.

When you love you loose.

The hurt covers where the butterflies once flew.

That one was actually kind of good right. I was 15 years old when I wrote that. I knew nothing of true love yet my words cut so deep. I did see myself older. I have one more I would like to share.

02-24-05                                             Love is the only way

I can taste you on my lips.

What is left still lingers from your kiss.

I can smell you, like you stand before me.

I know it is nothing more than a dream.

For how can a girl like me hope for any more.

I was pretty love crazy 15 year old. I guess I am still a love crazy 23 year old as well. Some things do not change. I hope you guys like the inside look into my genius. 

Kelly E.

I'm Possible.

It has been awhile hasn't it? 

I have transformed myself into something I thought I could never be. I am naturally a lazy person. I love to sit on my butt and watch TV, movies, YouTube videos whatever I please really. I was living the dream. You know this, I mentioned this. I did not have to find a second job just work harder at the one I already had, who knew! My poor hubby is still out of commission. I have never worked harder in my life. It feels shitty AND rewarding. 

I made a list my friends. What kind of list you ask all interested and shit? A list that will change my life forever (insert evil laugh here). It is a bucket list in a way. The things I want to happen in my life. I will share with my beloved readers. Only you make me feel this way! I started with something simple. 

1. Visit New York and watch a Broadway play. This is a dream I have had since I was in high school. I loved the theater and musicals. I dreamed of playing a lead role in a play. I may one day who knows. 

2. Kiss under the Eiffel Tower.... While somebody takes a cheesy picture of said kiss.

3. Learn a new state. I have lived in Oklahoma for most of my life. I was not born here so I have that going for me. I do know my way around Texas but that is not good enough!!

4. Learn Guitar. I have forgotten how to keep my rhythm and my chords. I have slowly started to read the music again. This one is challenging for me. I try to play a little every day to get a better feel for it. I need to remember to be more confident in myself. I give up so easily.

5. Save money. Can anyone do this one? We will see.....

6. Buy a house, Have another baby, get better job, etc is all on there. 

7. Enjoy my life more, relax more, and breathe.

There were other things on my list that I did not share with you. I gave you a little something something and you should be just fine. The reason I am sharing my list in the first place is to show you that I have a plan. There is no more of me worrying what my next step is. Some of the things on my list may never happen, and that is okay. I would just like to know that if I worked hard I could achieve the things I set out to do. I made that list 2 weeks ago. I have already crossed one thing off. I will leave you with a quote from a brilliant mind you know as my own. 

"Life is what you make it. Your dreams can fly by. You have to reach up and take it!"

-Kelly E.

I 

sigh...

Life is many things. We say it is beautiful, crazy, and too short. It can change instantly leaving you standing there clueless. I recently expirenced this myself. I have been living the good life my friends. I was blessed enough to stay at home all week and only work weekends. My husband was taking care of everything else. He started feeling loss of strength in his hands so his manager told him he had to see a doctor. The doctor he saw put him on medical leave. During this 3 week period they called to inform him that his job was no longer his. I am pretty much screwed. I have been looking for jobs all week to help with our bills and all of my searching has lead nowhere.

It is dishearting to say the least. I can only do so much. The pressure is on me and I can feel the fire on my face. Everyone keeps telling me "everthing will be okay." I am not so sure that everything will at this point. I know that I am determined to take this for what it is and try my best to change it. I am only so strong.

I did not write this blog post for pity, or sympathy. I wrote it to vent my emotions. I am good with words, I always have been. I can sit down and write exactly how I feel with passion. It is when I open my mouth when things get messed up.

I am going to get some sleep now.
END RANT

Kelly

Checking In.

It has snowed twice in Oklahoma this Winter. I have dreaded both times. I sit inside all ashy and cold wishing the sun would peek it's beautiful face around those ugly clouds and say "I'm just fucking with you guys!" The harsh reality is that the sun is not going to do that. I sucked up my hatred for the cold and made the ugliest snowman with my daughter. Seriously you guys it looks like an evil penguin. I have summoned it from the depths of hell just to scare drivers who pass by.

I actually had fun playing outside. I miss those childhood moments where it would snow and school would be out and there was nothing left to do or say. My brothers and sister would grab the boogie board and we would climb this massive hill we had. See kids living on dirt roads growing up was not so bad. Anyways, we would climb all the way up top and then slide all the way down. I am pretty sure nobody ever got hurt. Okay, maybe once.

I have had a weird last couple of weeks you guys. I thought we all might die on the 21st. I understand all of that was nonsense but none-the-less the day was still kinda scary. I think the what-if of loosing your life and everything around would scare any normal person. Lucky for us we are still here. While everybody else was worried about dying, I felt like I could finally start to live. I mean the pressure of what-if is intense. I feel like the world around me will always go on. I worry for my child's future, but I have faith that some of the simple problems can be solved and we can fix things for the future. All of those problems sound easier said than done.

I really hope all of you guys have a wonder New Years Eve. Please monitor your intake. I work as a waitress and that is a big night in the service industry. You could not imagine what we deal with. The last thing we need is a full grown adult acting like a child in a public place. I hate that the most, It's like come on you are 40 years old! Drive safe please and find a designated decoy drunk driver just to be safe!

Have a wonderful evening, I will see you guys next year!

Kelly

Sandy Hook Angels.

Today marked history for every American. I would like to think that we all felt the over bearing sadness that was today. I am located thousands of miles away from the school shooting that occurred today. I woke up and took my little girl to school. She is 5 and is in kindergarten. I checked my news apps and read an article about a school shooting and the reports said a teacher was shot in the foot. I felt better knowing that only a teacher was hurt. I fell asleep for a couple of hours and when I awoke I wanted to die.

27 people dead. Most of which were children. They were more than just some random kids on a TV screen. They were more than a tragedy. I felt a surge throughout my entire body. I felt disgusted. I wanted to puke. I felt pain that I have never imagined on my worst enemy. I felt confusion. I wanted to know why. Why would anyone do this?

That could have been me. That could have been my child. That could have been her school, her teachers, her peers.  Those children were so innocent. I cannot imagine anybody doing what he did today. When I think about it I cannot help but cry. To think that those children were alone and scared. Then he just killed them. I am forever changed. I am covered in tears as I write this. I just cannot believe that this happened.

I want to express my deepest apologies to the victims families. If that were my daughter I would die. The world would turn upside down. I can not imagine that kind of hurt. I am so sorry that someone did this to you and your baby. I am not religious by any means, but I know that this has to have some meaning. This has to change things. These innocent 5 year old beautiful children did not die in vain. It is moments like this were humanity has failed us. This should not have happened.

Today was a rainy day in Oklahoma. We flew our flags at half staff for all of the newest angels. The sky filled with puffy dark grey clouds. I said to myself "God is crying".
I am very emotional and this is the most sickening thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. I wish that people would see and feel the ripple effect of their actions. Every parent in America cried today. We all felt the sense of our babies fading away.

I held my daughter very tight. I explained to her that many children her age were no longer gracing us with their presents. I made her realize that she is lucky. She is lucky in so many ways. Today time stood still.

I will always carry you beautiful children in my soul. I will never let anybody forget about you. Today was an accident and you were meant for more.

Downward Spiral.

I come to you with a heavy heart today. I have a topic to discuss that is not easy for me to write. I have at this point 3 people in my life who have disappointed me beyond belief. I look at them now and my heart aches. I see them struggle with no intent to get up. They will lay there until they die. They have no morals, empathy, or responsibility in this world. They will not listen to reason. They are so far gone that the person I knew is no longer inside.  This is not going to be a funny blog. What I have to say is serious and it effects many families. Today my topic is meth addiction.

I know 3 people. One person is male, 24 years of age. I have known this person for most of my life. I tell people all the time that he is still that little boy I met so many years ago. I have learned a harsh truth. He is not that little boy and that little boy will never be the same. I am not judging only trying to reach out. This boy has 2 kids. He would rather sit in jail or smoke meth then raise them like sane person would. I have yet to meet a parent who could do this. Yet I write this today with 3 people on my mind. They all have kids and families. He has been on this drug and more for approximately 3 years. His appearance has changed. His morals have gone out of the window. He has stolen from every single person that loved him. He has committed crimes to keep this habit. He has went to jail 6 times in the last year alone. I am scared for his life. He cannot read this because today he is in fact in jail. I have 2 more people on this list who are not in jail. You are both my Facebook friends. I hope for your sake you read this and change.

Person #2 is female, approximately 30 years of age. This person is more of an acquaintance but I feel the need to say something because she is on a road that leads to nowhere. She has been an addict for more than 6 years. She is a mother of one. The life she chose to live was the wrong one. I know because I have a daughter and I would die if I missed one beat. I only have one thing to say to her and that is to change now and fast.

I saved the best one for last. Person #3 is not just another person on this list. She is part of my family. I have known her all of her life. Person #3 is female, 21 years of age. She is a mother of one beautiful child. I love her with all of my heart and it is not easy for me to write this. I am tired of this lifestyle she has decided to live. She is a nomad with no hope and her soul has faded, leaving behind the memory of what was. She has broken hearts and she damn well knows it. She has been arrested 2 times this past year. She was left barefooted on the side of the road. They took her wallet, purse, and all of her clothes. She was beautiful and bright. They left her on the side of the road like a dog. This did not stop her from doing meth. I feel like that would be one of those moments when you realize that your life is fucked up. That maybe it would not be so fucked up if you just stopped smoking meth. She will be in jail for Christmas this year if she actually shows up to court. I really hope she does. That will be a week or so that I know exactly where she is. I will know she is safe and fed.

My wish is that all 3 of these people would take a note from Gandhi and be the change they wish to see in the world. These addicts are like a tsunami they destroy everything in their path. I am going to sign off now and I hope all this ranting as helped someone, somewhere.

KillKell

What is left?

What is left.

Everything is spinning.
I am broken on the floor.
This is only the beginning.
The rest is nothing less than it was before.

I see you in my imagination.
I go to that place all the time.
To me this is a true test of patience.
Sometimes that can be the worst kind.

The world around me it breaks.
All that remains is my shame.
I cannot seem to shake this constant ache.
I have no one left to blame.

Time after time I find myself fleeing.
Looking for that shortcut in life.
I do not think of who I am hurting.
I am just playing the game to survive.

This burn within me will not die.
I search for a soul like mine.
I reached but I get denied.
I am desperately trying to shine, all the while feeling lackluster inside.

written by: Kelly Edwards

Is it December?

I cannot believe it is December already. In Oklahoma it has been beautiful and unlike any winter I have seen. I am the kind of person who likes the heat. I admit Oklahoma summers are extreme. I like to compare it to a hot blow dryer pointed right at your face. I can appreciate winter themes and the holiday spirit. The part that draws the line for me is the snow. I am horribly scared every winter that I am going to wreck my car. I tense up the entire time I am behind that wheel in fear that somebody will hit me or vice versa. I have no idea why it scares me so much. I have only been in two car accidents and both were minor.

In just a few weeks Christmas will already be here and then New Years and I know we all say this every year but man where did the time go? In the past year many things have changed around me. I had a really good year. I have a sense of security and am learning that it really is not too late to change the things I do not like. I have done it before in my past. I like to say I was tamed. I have this over bearing, crushing weight on me at all times. Truth be told I have always wanted to go to college and make something of myself. I did go to college, but I learned that I did not want to do that degree anymore. I wasted my time and my credit. There are so many dreams that I had. I had the drive to make things happen but one day it became about making money to survive. I had to make sure my daughter had everything and more. It became less about me and my dreams and all about hers. Some say this makes me a good mother. I think that is just what you do when you are a parent. I have never regretted making the decision to quit. I just wish I would have gotten this fire under my ass sooner.

I will do these things, I hope. I know that if I do not I could wake up one day and this time will no longer be here. I cannot squander it. If I do, then it will all be on me. I am the only one who holds me back. I have been writing some more poetry I will be posting immediately after this blog so stay tuned. I am sorry it is all so dark. I am honestly a happy person. I am like Adele okay? I just write sad stuff. Thanks for reading!

KillaKell
because I killed it.