Some Real Shit.

One of the things I find myself doing most of these days is watching TV. I work 5 days a week as well as this so I'm not a complete loser. I have noticed a trend though. Hollywood just lies. This is no new revelation. You always hear that it gives girls the wrong idea about love and romance. That is a big one. I always watched movies as a child and I can remember thinking that is what love was going to be like. I was going to struggle until the day a random guy found me working (probably in a diner). 


Then he was going to see something in me and fall head over heels. We were going to get married, buy a house, go on vacations, have kids and watch them grow. This is what happened to me for the most part. I was a waitress, we did fall in love fast, I already had a kid, we didn't buy a house, I haven't been on a vacation in years, and there is thing called rent that barrels toward me every month.

That kiddos is the American dream. I try to remind myself at all times of what I have. I hope to never loose anything. I am from Oklahoma as many of you have probably already gathered. So I watched the tornado rip through Moore. I watched as debris is still being cleared. I am very lucky that I have what I have. I just wish some days that life were easier. There is always a point in the movie where the individual struggles but something always gets them out of it. This is not the movies. I am aware that I have to lift myself out of this. 

I am sort of in a bullshit mood today as you can probably tell.  I just feel like what I thought was meant to happen just didn't. I am face to face when the decisions that I have made. I look around and I have it pretty good. I make good money working a demeaning job that I happen to love. I have a great schedule. I love spending time with my husband and our daughter. I have food to eat. I have clothes on my back. So yes things could be much worse. Tell me though what is worse than being content...

I am bored with life. I want to venture to a foreign country. I want to learn about a different culture. I want to taste exotic foods. I want to be so close to the ocean I can smell it in the wind. I cannot just leave though. Financially I cannot afford to run around the world. I also have a daughter that I could not drag along through my adventures. That is where my reality sets in.

I will be almost 35 when my daughter turns 18. Yes that is still fairly young. I look at it differently. I was 16 when I had her. I gave up so much to have this little girl. I know that. I wouldn't have done it differently because she has taught me so much about life. I do however have days like today where I wish I could just leave and start a new life. I have to accept my fate. There has to be a reason I am right here, right now. I am a firm believer in fate. I do not believe in much these days. 

I have a good feeling about all of the decisions I have made. They have placed me exactly where I am.

Kelly Rose.