Writing helps.

Hello World.

This week has forced me to open my eyes to the world I shut off for so many years. It has forced me to also see myself and I didn't like who looked back at me. People tell me all the time how confident I appear and I like to think I have great confidence but not this week. I was too low to feel anything other than my constant fear.

I've never been so scared... Well maybe once before. I was scared shitless when I was in labor with my daughter. That same sense of uncertainty rushed over me. I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother, I didn't know if I could take care of a child at all. I was 17 years old. I didn't let my fear get to me. I picked it right up and kicked ass! So maybe that is what I have to do this time.

I've been extremely stupid this week. I wanted to play this part of being that person who just says yes! Well turns out that being that person sucks. I am not that kind of person and the sooner I realize I'm not 19 years old again. I never really was a normal 19 year old. I can't go back... why even try? There was nothing great about being young, drunk, and well just fucked up in general....nothing. 

There is something about being free that makes you go a bit crazy. I wanted to get out there and I found that the world is full of people who are literally trying to hurt you. It is a very scary place. I need to find my inner strength because I am so weak that I wouldn't stand a chance out there...

There is so much to look forward to. I am on like week 2 now.

I will make more of a point to actually tell you blog readers what the fuck I'm actually talking about but until then It has not been announced.

To be continued...


BTW. that is an ALT-J video and it is the only thing I have been able to listen to without freaking out. enjoy!