Divorce for two.

Divorce for two.

He texted me...

"I want a divorce" before I completed the sentence I threw my phone across the room. I put my hands over my face and took two breaths and picked back up the phone. 

I was not even home when I received the message. I had ran to my friends house to hang out. I left that house in a daze. I went to taco bell and bought 12 tacos. I then headed home to the man who for 6 years of my life i had taken care of even then bringing him dinner. We sat there two adults. We ate our tacos and discussed the divorce. We laughed, I cried but ultimately we ended it right then, right there. The day was March 23, 2014.

I immediately hit rock bottom. I wanted to get fucked up so I could not feel any pain. I wanted to feel nothing. I needed to numb my pain. I stayed that way for weeks. In that time I met some really cool people. My new life is anything but fabulous. In fact I'm always broke. Every dollar I made goes somewhere. I just sit around most days. I sing, I write, I watch movies. The same stuff I did with my ex-husband. The only difference is this time I am actually alone being lonely.

Tiny Apartment.

Tiny Apartment

www.google.com/images

It has been 6 months since my husband asked for a divorce. In 6 months time I feel so much has changed. As I sit here in my new tiny apartment I am drinking coffee while sitting on my new wooden bench. The sun peaks through the blinds reminding me the sun is now up and I am still awake. There is no rest for the wicked.

My apartment has charm. It is small but I have made it my own. I hate clutter there is no clutter. There is an open concept throughout the living room and kitchen which I love because I can make dinner and still hang out with my daughter. The kitchen is nice. I do not spend a whole lot of time in there though. I have two favorite parts of my kitchen. The first is above the sink. There is a window. When I wash dishes I get lost looking at the view. It is not much of a view but it is mine. My second favorite thing about my kitchen is right above that very window. It is a gorgeous light fixture. I call it my chandelier.

The living room is eclectic. My couch was left here from the last tenants. The entertainment system is my landlords. Now that I think about it the only thing that is mine is the guitar and the family photos. The whole apartment has the most beautiful hardwood floors. I like to say they are "blond". They are hard to clean but I still enjoy them.

My bedroom is small but it has ME throughout it. It is mostly black with pops of colors. An abbey road poster hangs carelessly on the wall. The room itself may be small but my closet is anything but small. I have a wall of shoes.

Marilyn hangs in every single room. 

Is it my home??? Will it ever be home??

Death of a Millennium.

This world is full of people, all kinds of people. They can be good or bad. They can be many things. Some of those things can be unseen. It is only when you look very close, almost to the surface when they start to appear for who they are. I have learned that I am not good at seeing people for what they are. They could be disguised as my best friend and I would remain impervious. I am trying really hard to find a few people who actually care about me outside of moms and stuff that doesn't count, they are partial. 

I will keep looking but I am becoming bitter well more bitter than I was before. Today is the eve of my 25th birthday. I have not had a good day. I am starting to think I am one of those people who have horrible birthdays! I guess I can roll with that. I can not believe how incredibly terrible my day has been. There were a few good moments with my daughter. We memorized her lines for her school play. Her old mom here (that is me) totally taught her some of my old acting secrets. She looked at me and said 

"mom, I must become my character! I AM A METEOROLOGIST!"

I honestly say that part of my day was pretty great! I taught her about projection. When I was in high school my theather teacher would sit in the back row and scream PROJECTION!!!! If she could not hear you from the back row you weren't loud enough! My daughter and I just laughed every time I yelled it. I taught her how to become that character and she loved the idea. She kept saying she could be fun! It was fun.

As I was saying... People have recently surprised me. I have found hate in a few I never imagined to exist. Then out of the most darkest unknown places people giving me love and support unimaginable. I feel like my world is turned upside down. I am not going to let people tell me what to do anymore. I do not mean that in a juvenile way either. I am still going to abide by MOST of the laws and be a decent person.

 I meant it in the way that when I was younger I was taught to obey, and I did. Then one day in my teenage years I began to question any authority. I did not understand why people just obeyed. You could say I was a rebel. I remember spray painting rock against Bush! on my bedroom wall. When I became a mother I lost most of that spark. I found it best to just obey again. I figured as long as I maintain my opinion on things I could easily tame myself down...if only a little. It isn't authority I have the problem with anymore. I have a problem with people. I take a lot from them. I smile though all of it and I cannot do that anymore. 

So Today on the eve of my birthday I am hitting my reset button. I am done taking crap from people. I cannot be put inside a box and told what to do for one more second. This is my life and I am in control. I am going to surprise the hell out of myself. So here goes!

 Goodbye Kelly Edwards!
You were fun, smart, almost fancy...not quite, put together and most of all docile!
You are not going to be that way anymore! You are tenacious, brilliant, and most of all wild! You are a fucking phoenix, wounded but still here! 

Fuck Everyone!
=) Kelly Rose.

Life is...

Life is crazy...

I never imagined I would be who I am today, or where to be honest. I use to always tell people I would live in this town and be proud to someday call it my home. I am here now and the nostalgia has worn off. I use to have this poster of the car I drive hanging on my wall. I glorified it. I would just stare at it all day hoping to one day hop in and take the top down and cruise the world. The world doesn't work like that though does it? You can cruise it alright but you gotta check with the boss man first. 

I imaged myself famous somewhere married to Lance Bass. I literally thought we would be married. I sure can pick em! I grew up in the country. I longed for city life. I would be able to walk anywhere if I had somewhere, anywhere to go. I instead walked through woods and dirt roads that never lead to anywhere. 

My mother worked a lot growing up. I was always with my brothers and sister, or alone. When I was alone I remember walking out to the mailbox. I could feel the sun burning my long legs as I strutted out to see if any of my baby sitters club books had come in yet. I remember wishing some cute young boy my age would drive by right as he was conveniently moving next door... but no. I guess I've always been a little boy crazy.

That same young girl climbed trees and watched birds. I would watch the birds fly away and dream that someday I could do the same... but Lance Bass never showed up to take me away, no one did. I left at 17 with a baby girl and not one dream left but to be the best mom I could.

Life is funny...

I thought things had gotten better but I am still that little girl. I long for better than what I have. 


Kelly Rose

Facade.

Who do you think you are

Running over me

What kind of girl do you take me for

Do not think I will not leave

We can sit and talk all day

about everything that is done

But we both know

No good will ever come

I keep this facade 

It consumes me

I can not tell the difference

between my dreams and reality

I actually wrote this song a few years ago. I randomly sing it in my head from time to time. I have not ever written it down though. It is one of my favorites. So I decided to share with you guys. I hope you enjoy it.

Writing helps.

Hello World.

This week has forced me to open my eyes to the world I shut off for so many years. It has forced me to also see myself and I didn't like who looked back at me. People tell me all the time how confident I appear and I like to think I have great confidence but not this week. I was too low to feel anything other than my constant fear.

I've never been so scared... Well maybe once before. I was scared shitless when I was in labor with my daughter. That same sense of uncertainty rushed over me. I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother, I didn't know if I could take care of a child at all. I was 17 years old. I didn't let my fear get to me. I picked it right up and kicked ass! So maybe that is what I have to do this time.

I've been extremely stupid this week. I wanted to play this part of being that person who just says yes! Well turns out that being that person sucks. I am not that kind of person and the sooner I realize I'm not 19 years old again. I never really was a normal 19 year old. I can't go back... why even try? There was nothing great about being young, drunk, and well just fucked up in general....nothing. 

There is something about being free that makes you go a bit crazy. I wanted to get out there and I found that the world is full of people who are literally trying to hurt you. It is a very scary place. I need to find my inner strength because I am so weak that I wouldn't stand a chance out there...

There is so much to look forward to. I am on like week 2 now.

I will make more of a point to actually tell you blog readers what the fuck I'm actually talking about but until then It has not been announced.

To be continued...


BTW. that is an ALT-J video and it is the only thing I have been able to listen to without freaking out. enjoy!

He said, She said...Then there was the truth.

What do I see, When I see you?

What do I see?

I see nothing...

All the times

That you told me

I was wrong, I was crazy..

Just when I started to believe...

You saw the change in me.

What does he see, when he sees me?

What does he see?

He saw nothing...

All the times

That I told him

He was wrong, He was crazy...

Just when he started to believe...

He saw the change in me.

I wrote this song in like 10 minutes. I have been struggling with writing music lately because I am always writing what I think people want to hear. I chose a different approach with this piece. I actually just sang and strummed my guitar and it all came together very fast. I wrote this song because in relationships it is the same thing on both sides but different. He said, she said then the truth.

I didn't follow my typical song writing process at all on this one. I love it. It is just me and my guitar and a lot of passion at the moment. I have no outlet so here I am...

Kelly Rose