It has snowed twice in Oklahoma this Winter. I have dreaded both times. I sit inside all ashy and cold wishing the sun would peek it's beautiful face around those ugly clouds and say "I'm just fucking with you guys!" The harsh reality is that the sun is not going to do that. I sucked up my hatred for the cold and made the ugliest snowman with my daughter. Seriously you guys it looks like an evil penguin. I have summoned it from the depths of hell just to scare drivers who pass by.
I actually had fun playing outside. I miss those childhood moments where it would snow and school would be out and there was nothing left to do or say. My brothers and sister would grab the boogie board and we would climb this massive hill we had. See kids living on dirt roads growing up was not so bad. Anyways, we would climb all the way up top and then slide all the way down. I am pretty sure nobody ever got hurt. Okay, maybe once.
I have had a weird last couple of weeks you guys. I thought we all might die on the 21st. I understand all of that was nonsense but none-the-less the day was still kinda scary. I think the what-if of loosing your life and everything around would scare any normal person. Lucky for us we are still here. While everybody else was worried about dying, I felt like I could finally start to live. I mean the pressure of what-if is intense. I feel like the world around me will always go on. I worry for my child's future, but I have faith that some of the simple problems can be solved and we can fix things for the future. All of those problems sound easier said than done.
I really hope all of you guys have a wonder New Years Eve. Please monitor your intake. I work as a waitress and that is a big night in the service industry. You could not imagine what we deal with. The last thing we need is a full grown adult acting like a child in a public place. I hate that the most, It's like come on you are 40 years old! Drive safe please and find a designated decoy drunk driver just to be safe!
Have a wonderful evening, I will see you guys next year!
Kelly
"She always had that about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far, and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world"
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Sandy Hook Angels.
Today marked history for every American. I would like to think that we all felt the over bearing sadness that was today. I am located thousands of miles away from the school shooting that occurred today. I woke up and took my little girl to school. She is 5 and is in kindergarten. I checked my news apps and read an article about a school shooting and the reports said a teacher was shot in the foot. I felt better knowing that only a teacher was hurt. I fell asleep for a couple of hours and when I awoke I wanted to die.
27 people dead. Most of which were children. They were more than just some random kids on a TV screen. They were more than a tragedy. I felt a surge throughout my entire body. I felt disgusted. I wanted to puke. I felt pain that I have never imagined on my worst enemy. I felt confusion. I wanted to know why. Why would anyone do this?
That could have been me. That could have been my child. That could have been her school, her teachers, her peers. Those children were so innocent. I cannot imagine anybody doing what he did today. When I think about it I cannot help but cry. To think that those children were alone and scared. Then he just killed them. I am forever changed. I am covered in tears as I write this. I just cannot believe that this happened.
I want to express my deepest apologies to the victims families. If that were my daughter I would die. The world would turn upside down. I can not imagine that kind of hurt. I am so sorry that someone did this to you and your baby. I am not religious by any means, but I know that this has to have some meaning. This has to change things. These innocent 5 year old beautiful children did not die in vain. It is moments like this were humanity has failed us. This should not have happened.
Today was a rainy day in Oklahoma. We flew our flags at half staff for all of the newest angels. The sky filled with puffy dark grey clouds. I said to myself "God is crying".
I am very emotional and this is the most sickening thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. I wish that people would see and feel the ripple effect of their actions. Every parent in America cried today. We all felt the sense of our babies fading away.
I held my daughter very tight. I explained to her that many children her age were no longer gracing us with their presents. I made her realize that she is lucky. She is lucky in so many ways. Today time stood still.
I will always carry you beautiful children in my soul. I will never let anybody forget about you. Today was an accident and you were meant for more.
27 people dead. Most of which were children. They were more than just some random kids on a TV screen. They were more than a tragedy. I felt a surge throughout my entire body. I felt disgusted. I wanted to puke. I felt pain that I have never imagined on my worst enemy. I felt confusion. I wanted to know why. Why would anyone do this?
That could have been me. That could have been my child. That could have been her school, her teachers, her peers. Those children were so innocent. I cannot imagine anybody doing what he did today. When I think about it I cannot help but cry. To think that those children were alone and scared. Then he just killed them. I am forever changed. I am covered in tears as I write this. I just cannot believe that this happened.
I want to express my deepest apologies to the victims families. If that were my daughter I would die. The world would turn upside down. I can not imagine that kind of hurt. I am so sorry that someone did this to you and your baby. I am not religious by any means, but I know that this has to have some meaning. This has to change things. These innocent 5 year old beautiful children did not die in vain. It is moments like this were humanity has failed us. This should not have happened.
Today was a rainy day in Oklahoma. We flew our flags at half staff for all of the newest angels. The sky filled with puffy dark grey clouds. I said to myself "God is crying".
I am very emotional and this is the most sickening thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. I wish that people would see and feel the ripple effect of their actions. Every parent in America cried today. We all felt the sense of our babies fading away.
I held my daughter very tight. I explained to her that many children her age were no longer gracing us with their presents. I made her realize that she is lucky. She is lucky in so many ways. Today time stood still.
I will always carry you beautiful children in my soul. I will never let anybody forget about you. Today was an accident and you were meant for more.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Downward Spiral.
I come to you with a heavy heart today. I have a topic to discuss that is not easy for me to write. I have at this point 3 people in my life who have disappointed me beyond belief. I look at them now and my heart aches. I see them struggle with no intent to get up. They will lay there until they die. They have no morals, empathy, or responsibility in this world. They will not listen to reason. They are so far gone that the person I knew is no longer inside. This is not going to be a funny blog. What I have to say is serious and it effects many families. Today my topic is meth addiction.
I know 3 people. One person is male, 24 years of age. I have known this person for most of my life. I tell people all the time that he is still that little boy I met so many years ago. I have learned a harsh truth. He is not that little boy and that little boy will never be the same. I am not judging only trying to reach out. This boy has 2 kids. He would rather sit in jail or smoke meth then raise them like sane person would. I have yet to meet a parent who could do this. Yet I write this today with 3 people on my mind. They all have kids and families. He has been on this drug and more for approximately 3 years. His appearance has changed. His morals have gone out of the window. He has stolen from every single person that loved him. He has committed crimes to keep this habit. He has went to jail 6 times in the last year alone. I am scared for his life. He cannot read this because today he is in fact in jail. I have 2 more people on this list who are not in jail. You are both my Facebook friends. I hope for your sake you read this and change.
Person #2 is female, approximately 30 years of age. This person is more of an acquaintance but I feel the need to say something because she is on a road that leads to nowhere. She has been an addict for more than 6 years. She is a mother of one. The life she chose to live was the wrong one. I know because I have a daughter and I would die if I missed one beat. I only have one thing to say to her and that is to change now and fast.
I saved the best one for last. Person #3 is not just another person on this list. She is part of my family. I have known her all of her life. Person #3 is female, 21 years of age. She is a mother of one beautiful child. I love her with all of my heart and it is not easy for me to write this. I am tired of this lifestyle she has decided to live. She is a nomad with no hope and her soul has faded, leaving behind the memory of what was. She has broken hearts and she damn well knows it. She has been arrested 2 times this past year. She was left barefooted on the side of the road. They took her wallet, purse, and all of her clothes. She was beautiful and bright. They left her on the side of the road like a dog. This did not stop her from doing meth. I feel like that would be one of those moments when you realize that your life is fucked up. That maybe it would not be so fucked up if you just stopped smoking meth. She will be in jail for Christmas this year if she actually shows up to court. I really hope she does. That will be a week or so that I know exactly where she is. I will know she is safe and fed.
My wish is that all 3 of these people would take a note from Gandhi and be the change they wish to see in the world. These addicts are like a tsunami they destroy everything in their path. I am going to sign off now and I hope all this ranting as helped someone, somewhere.
KillKell
I know 3 people. One person is male, 24 years of age. I have known this person for most of my life. I tell people all the time that he is still that little boy I met so many years ago. I have learned a harsh truth. He is not that little boy and that little boy will never be the same. I am not judging only trying to reach out. This boy has 2 kids. He would rather sit in jail or smoke meth then raise them like sane person would. I have yet to meet a parent who could do this. Yet I write this today with 3 people on my mind. They all have kids and families. He has been on this drug and more for approximately 3 years. His appearance has changed. His morals have gone out of the window. He has stolen from every single person that loved him. He has committed crimes to keep this habit. He has went to jail 6 times in the last year alone. I am scared for his life. He cannot read this because today he is in fact in jail. I have 2 more people on this list who are not in jail. You are both my Facebook friends. I hope for your sake you read this and change.
Person #2 is female, approximately 30 years of age. This person is more of an acquaintance but I feel the need to say something because she is on a road that leads to nowhere. She has been an addict for more than 6 years. She is a mother of one. The life she chose to live was the wrong one. I know because I have a daughter and I would die if I missed one beat. I only have one thing to say to her and that is to change now and fast.
I saved the best one for last. Person #3 is not just another person on this list. She is part of my family. I have known her all of her life. Person #3 is female, 21 years of age. She is a mother of one beautiful child. I love her with all of my heart and it is not easy for me to write this. I am tired of this lifestyle she has decided to live. She is a nomad with no hope and her soul has faded, leaving behind the memory of what was. She has broken hearts and she damn well knows it. She has been arrested 2 times this past year. She was left barefooted on the side of the road. They took her wallet, purse, and all of her clothes. She was beautiful and bright. They left her on the side of the road like a dog. This did not stop her from doing meth. I feel like that would be one of those moments when you realize that your life is fucked up. That maybe it would not be so fucked up if you just stopped smoking meth. She will be in jail for Christmas this year if she actually shows up to court. I really hope she does. That will be a week or so that I know exactly where she is. I will know she is safe and fed.
My wish is that all 3 of these people would take a note from Gandhi and be the change they wish to see in the world. These addicts are like a tsunami they destroy everything in their path. I am going to sign off now and I hope all this ranting as helped someone, somewhere.
KillKell
Sunday, December 2, 2012
What is left?
What is left.
Everything is spinning.
I am broken on the floor.
This is only the beginning.
The rest is nothing less than it was before.
I see you in my imagination.
I go to that place all the time.
To me this is a true test of patience.
Sometimes that can be the worst kind.
The world around me it breaks.
All that remains is my shame.
I cannot seem to shake this constant ache.
I have no one left to blame.
Time after time I find myself fleeing.
Looking for that shortcut in life.
I do not think of who I am hurting.
I am just playing the game to survive.
This burn within me will not die.
I search for a soul like mine.
I reached but I get denied.
I am desperately trying to shine, all the while feeling lackluster inside.
written by: Kelly Edwards
Everything is spinning.
I am broken on the floor.
This is only the beginning.
The rest is nothing less than it was before.
I see you in my imagination.
I go to that place all the time.
To me this is a true test of patience.
Sometimes that can be the worst kind.
The world around me it breaks.
All that remains is my shame.
I cannot seem to shake this constant ache.
I have no one left to blame.
Time after time I find myself fleeing.
Looking for that shortcut in life.
I do not think of who I am hurting.
I am just playing the game to survive.
This burn within me will not die.
I search for a soul like mine.
I reached but I get denied.
I am desperately trying to shine, all the while feeling lackluster inside.
written by: Kelly Edwards
Is it December?
I cannot believe it is December already. In Oklahoma it has been beautiful and unlike any winter I have seen. I am the kind of person who likes the heat. I admit Oklahoma summers are extreme. I like to compare it to a hot blow dryer pointed right at your face. I can appreciate winter themes and the holiday spirit. The part that draws the line for me is the snow. I am horribly scared every winter that I am going to wreck my car. I tense up the entire time I am behind that wheel in fear that somebody will hit me or vice versa. I have no idea why it scares me so much. I have only been in two car accidents and both were minor.
In just a few weeks Christmas will already be here and then New Years and I know we all say this every year but man where did the time go? In the past year many things have changed around me. I had a really good year. I have a sense of security and am learning that it really is not too late to change the things I do not like. I have done it before in my past. I like to say I was tamed. I have this over bearing, crushing weight on me at all times. Truth be told I have always wanted to go to college and make something of myself. I did go to college, but I learned that I did not want to do that degree anymore. I wasted my time and my credit. There are so many dreams that I had. I had the drive to make things happen but one day it became about making money to survive. I had to make sure my daughter had everything and more. It became less about me and my dreams and all about hers. Some say this makes me a good mother. I think that is just what you do when you are a parent. I have never regretted making the decision to quit. I just wish I would have gotten this fire under my ass sooner.
I will do these things, I hope. I know that if I do not I could wake up one day and this time will no longer be here. I cannot squander it. If I do, then it will all be on me. I am the only one who holds me back. I have been writing some more poetry I will be posting immediately after this blog so stay tuned. I am sorry it is all so dark. I am honestly a happy person. I am like Adele okay? I just write sad stuff. Thanks for reading!
KillaKell
because I killed it.
In just a few weeks Christmas will already be here and then New Years and I know we all say this every year but man where did the time go? In the past year many things have changed around me. I had a really good year. I have a sense of security and am learning that it really is not too late to change the things I do not like. I have done it before in my past. I like to say I was tamed. I have this over bearing, crushing weight on me at all times. Truth be told I have always wanted to go to college and make something of myself. I did go to college, but I learned that I did not want to do that degree anymore. I wasted my time and my credit. There are so many dreams that I had. I had the drive to make things happen but one day it became about making money to survive. I had to make sure my daughter had everything and more. It became less about me and my dreams and all about hers. Some say this makes me a good mother. I think that is just what you do when you are a parent. I have never regretted making the decision to quit. I just wish I would have gotten this fire under my ass sooner.
I will do these things, I hope. I know that if I do not I could wake up one day and this time will no longer be here. I cannot squander it. If I do, then it will all be on me. I am the only one who holds me back. I have been writing some more poetry I will be posting immediately after this blog so stay tuned. I am sorry it is all so dark. I am honestly a happy person. I am like Adele okay? I just write sad stuff. Thanks for reading!
KillaKell
because I killed it.
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