Winds Of Change.

Here we are again. It is 11:30 pm in Oklahoma. I am once again sitting on my bed. watching episodes of cash cab. The computer is heated as it sits on my lap. I have been staring at this blank page for what feels like an hour. Do you ever have so much to say, then nothing can come to mind? My eyes are burning from how tired I am. I really do not feel like sleeping though. Too much is on my mind.

I have been on this personal journey of a sorts lately. I have spoken briefly about it in my past blogs. I have embraced the winds of change. I want to better myself. I am sort of a lazy person. It takes a lot to motivate me. I wish I had all the energy I see other moms have. I think they may all be on meth. I am kidding of course. 

Here lately I have been trying to include my husband on my journey. I would love to have his support in bettering ourselves. I talked and talked. He listened. He is pretty good at that most of the time. We talked about moving to Las Vegas so I could cocktail for a year and make boo-Koo money. We discussed moving to Denver and freezing our asses off. We talked about our future for the first time in a long time. I normally do not like making false realities, however something tells me if me and my husband got on the same track things would finally be okay. It is hard being the only person working in the household. It has showed me just how strong I truly am. I can handle the pressure of the world on my shoulders. I will not give up. I will find a better way to support my family.

My daughter begs me to stay home. She says she wishes I could pick her up from school everyday. She says these things not to break my heart, but to let me know she misses me. I wish sometimes that I could just wake up and be fine. I would not have to work, or pay bills, or worry about food. My car would not be a piece of shit and it would always be full of gas. I can dream of this Utopia but I will never have it until I work my ass off to get it. 

I am not some naive little girl, who thinks the world will fall into my hands. I understand that to have that security you have to work hard. I am motivated to change, to find who I am, where I belong. My life has not been the easiest. I was born into poverty. I have been poor. I mean real poor. I always remember that. I remember where I came from and how far I have already gotten. 

I think more people should want to change. Never settle in your ways. Do not get use to life. It is a bipolar bitch and will change. Be prepared for those moments. You will have your days where you feel defeated. That is okay! I accept those days for what they are. I embrace my sadness, then I pick up and move on. I trust the universe to guide me exactly where I am suppose to go. 

Kelly Rose