Just call me Audrey.

Hello world.

Tonight I feel successful. I have accomplished all that I set out to do. I love that feeling. I know more stress is soon to come with the holidays approaching quickly. I choose to face those set of problems then. Over my weekend I threw my daughters 7th birthday. I felt like a chicken with it's head cut off. There was so much to do with so little time...literally. I am naturally a procrastinator so I threw her entire party in like 3 days. Her birthday is conveniently right before Halloween so I am faced with the expenses of both celebrations at the same time. 

As you can see in the picture above I dressed up real fancy for Halloween and I am exceptionally proud of this years costume. I wanted to do something classy from the get go. I am tired of this trend I helped start. Halloween comes around and girls clothing gets smaller and smaller. Now look I like to party with the best of em but I cannot be like that anymore. It's not like I don't want too... 


My daughter is 7 now. I cannot have her see me act like that. I needed to set a great example for her. I chose to from this day on out dress up as tasteful as I could for Halloween. I even wanted to go as far as wearing a ball gown and calling it a day. Obviously Audrey Hepburn is a much better idea. 

Today in Wal-mart me and my daughter were looking at toys. Anyone who knows my daughter knows she was not in the barbie isle. We were looking at guns and as she would put it "boys toys". I told her to at least look down the barbie isle hoping she would see something that sparkled and fall in love. That did not happen. I asked her which barbie was her favorite one as I looked at the "official white house barbie". She pointed straight at that doll. I feel like I did something right. She did not like dolls that were sparkly. She didn't even noticed which doll had the prettiest hair. How she became this way is some what of a mystery I mean look at me I am pretty girlie these days. The only other doll she even looked at was an astronaut doll. We left Wal-mart with a pair of handcuffs that she could have died without having...no doll.

It has been my pleasure. 
Kelly Rose.

The Calm Before The Storm.

Hello world.

I typically do the same thing every single day. I am in a repeating cycle of doom. We have all been there a few times. Life just becomes this way and the next thing you know you are just here. Physically you are normal, but inside of your head you are just day dreaming. Is it just me?

It is so hard being the person people come to for help. I have wonderful advice to give others. I believe it is because It is what I need to hear, but I never take my own advice.  I listen to these problems and the more I hear the more I realize we all lie. We all get on our Facebook pages and we tell all of the good times. We document all of our adventures, but sometimes things are not what they seem. When other people look into my life, I am not sure what they see. I honestly do not care. The only thing I do not put on Facebook is my personal issues. I rarely do the rant posts. 

I was having a conversation with a co-worker early and it has really stuck with me. I saw the same hurt in her eyes, that I see every day when I look into the mirror. I smile and put on my perfect plastic face and no one even knows of the dark storm swirling within my inner thoughts. She did not realize I had faced similar problems as I was just as unaware of hers. We both perceived things to be okay. It came to me.... are we all struggling? 

-Kelly Rose

Plastic Face.

Hello world.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this month. I am normally a pretty positive person, but I feel so defeated. I am exhausted to the point of falling over. I am more stressed now then I was last time I wrote. I thought that going to Denver was going to spark something inside of me. I thought that moving would make my surroundings change, it did not. I am feeling unlucky. I know that every one and their mommy says the ole....

"Everything happens for a reason!"

Sometimes I want to believe that but the agnostic side of me questions even this. I am not one for solace. That is exactly what that is.... accepting something bad happening in your life and making into something beautiful and planned. I just think sometimes what I wanted planned did not happen, while other things that were unplanned ravage my life away.

 There are some days where I emerge out of bed feeling whole. I love those days. On those days I am able to get up and just get shit done. I put on my makeup, do my hair, yoga on the balcony while listening to beautiful music, and able to clean house and do all that work.  I do not have those days often because I work too much! 

I wish I could tell you blogger readers what is really on my mind. I wish I could just scream it at the top of my lungs. It isn't going to help. Sometimes I feel trapped inside of my own thoughts.... I put on my plastic face and I carry on with my day, no one ever realizing how troubled I feel. I just needed to vent and be pessimistic. Thanks!

Kelly out!!!

Kryptonite.

Run.

Get far away from me.

I am dragging the both of us down.

We will never be, don't you see.

You have to flee.

To you I am bound.

You cause more pain than pleasure.

No one else can measure.

I searched the world and thereafter

I found no one that mattered.

This is not our reality, he spits

He always tries to quit, he can't

I always pull him in, he comes.

I reach for him, but he is already done.

and then he is gone.

Confused and yet again alone.

I am left waiting by the telephone.

I close my eyes, burning hot

The tears stream down, I don't make a sound

I can't.

Kelly Rose.

A Change Of Pace.

Hello world.

So it has been a minute since I wrote anything. There has been so much going on in my life. I guess I will start with the most important. My little girl is going into the first grade next week, and I am beside myself. I am so happy for her. She has grown so much in just the past year alone. I do not know what to do with myself. I did go to Colorado for those of you you who read my previous blogs. I have pictures I just haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. So that means you have to wait...

I found a new place to live recently. I really had to take a step back and adjust my life a little. Me and my husband had rented this house last year and over that year so much has gone wrong. Luckily for us, our lease is up. So instead of getting something big and expensive, we decided to move back into an apartment. This really is a big decision. I hated almost every apartment I have lived in. However, this house now might as well be an apartment. Our neighbors are disrespectful and loud. I wish It was just a little noise from an upstairs unit. Our street is littered lost or stray dogs, some violent. I have had it with this house. On top of all that we also live close to the train depot which means no matter what time of the day or night it is trains will plow right by, shaking and waking all inside. Over the year I have actually gotten use to them. I remember my first week here I could not take the sound. I freaked out. I wanted to call and cuss someone out. There is and was nothing I could do about the trains. 

This new place makes me feel like I am somewhere else. It is over looking a pretty park and a water splash pad park. I am so excited to take my daughter right to the park in our backyard. The condo is an upstairs unit and It has a private staircase on the back patio. The condo itself is actually quite big. The master bedroom is the winner of the place. It is huge with an amazing bathroom. I have so much counter space I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I just feel like we are going to be so happy there. I just know it. I know I've mentioned in the past that things have been good and bad. It is really hard working through obstacles in life and when your spouse is not there it can be even harder. I feel like with my husband we fight all the time. Our fights range from fighting about dinner to common misunderstandings. I think these are common things to argue about after living with each other all of these years. 

I have moved to many places. I like to think we leave our footprints in these houses. I can feel the energy in every home the minute you walk in. I felt that way here before everything started falling apart. Some houses just have a bad energy. This is one of those where we just need to get the fuck out of here. I for one cannot wait. This is going to be a slow and busy month for me. I have so much to do. I promise I will have the Denver pics up in the next blog, along with moving updates and so much more exciting stuff. I will see you next time.

Kelly Rose.

Disconnected.

Hello world.

I am super excited heading into this next week. I have huge plans coming up and I cannot pass the days fast enough. I am heading to Denver soon to visit my bestest friend in the entire world. Yes that striking young man to your right. I used the oldest and worse picture possible. I totally had better pictures. I just love this kid so much that I chose this one. This picture was taken on my 20th birthday. That was 4 years ago. He had this long weird hair phase going on. That was not only my birthday but the very first time I made this young man a Jager bomb. We had a great night!

I am looking forward to many things in Denver. I have been feeling so strange lately. I need inner peace. There is so much going on in the world I want to run and hide from. I turn on the news and I am instantly sadden by all of the people being murdered and kidnapped or raped. I see a society that is disconnected. I was having a wonderful conversation with another one of my fabulous friends about this very thing earlier. We agreed that people are full of shit.

We live our lives constantly updating, sharing, tweeting, and texting. I love all of these things. I at one point never thought I could want to escape my smart phone....but I do. I want to hike a mountain loose my cell phone reception, forget about that Facebook (she is a bitch anyways jk) and find me. The me that isn't up for the world to see. The me that is more than a pretty face. The me that thinks about more than just dinner plans for the night. The me that no one sees. That girl is who I want and need to find. I need to see something bigger than myself and accept some things I am personally working through. I have such high hopes. 

Have you guys ever felt that way? I honestly feel weird about it. I do not want to feel this way. I want to accept the things in my life. I cannot.
I have always been a rebel and now I'm fighting within myself. Life can be super stressful at times. I think that is why it is so important to escape our every day lives. Since our every day lives now consist of constant Internet connection I think it will be awesome to not worry about anything. I have to because when I get back I have to punch back in my time clock. Life will proceed as usual. I will of course take plenty of pictures and write about it all when I get back. I look forward to it!

Kelly Rose

More pieces of me, for you!

Hello world.






I have been inspired lately...
So much so that I just keep writing little notes or poems to even metaphors to myself. I write all the time. I feel so much more drawn to a pen and paper. That is why you my blog readers have not seen such notes. I feel disconnected when I write this way...I know I am weird. 

The reason I mention my notes is because sometimes they are pretty good. I have shown that before in previous blogs as such:

 http://kellsbells3.blogspot.com/2013/03/pieces-of-me-for-you.html

http://kellsbells3.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-work-in-progress.html

I have found some more of my unfinished poetry on my cell phone this time. It was hiding in my notepad and I would like to share it with my readers. I feel bad I have not taken the time to write on my computer and share my life with all of you. I hope you all enjoy..

He doesn't care.

He never will.

He only cares about himself.

I am just a foolish kid.

A tiny glimmer of hope is what I hold onto.

It screams reality.

When it is not.

It screams trouble.

It consumes me.

So yea, that just happened. This one is random, I do not remember writing it. I must have been pretty mad though. I love the realness in it. I didn't cloak my emotions. i wasn't planning on sharing it to the world so my words here are truth, and for that I love it. NEXT! 

Have we met before?

I see him as he stands by the door.

He is smooth, confident and cool.

I am instantly allured.

He talks his way into my heart.

I let him in.

He never quites left, the pieces remain.

They are deep down inside of me.

He told me I was his everything.

I believed that lie.

Did we make believe this life?

One we did not live

or even have that right?

I dreamed I was your wife.

You kiss me so sweet.

you take the palm of your hand

press it softly against my cheek.

I feel weak...

I wake up to an empty bed

Dreaming of a life

That I did not live.

This one is such a work in progress. It is a perfect love story of the one that got away. The girl is dreaming the life she never had. It is full of what if's and those horrible memories that haunt her. It is beautiful and not finished by any means. I believe it to have a lot of potential. It will be updated soon for your viewing pleasure. NEXT!

Is it wrong that I think of you?

I try to push it deep down.

It's where my mind always goes to.

No matter how hard I push, It comes around

It drags me down, down, down.

I'm lost in this fantasy.

It is just me and you.

We lay together finally.

We never want to leave.

It was only but a dream.

I know they are just little bits on songs and poems but they are really good. I love that I scribble out this stuff. I think that I am a writer and singer at heart and it flows into my every day life. I hope you enjoyed my notes. Have a wonderful night.

Kelly Rose.

Some Real Shit.

One of the things I find myself doing most of these days is watching TV. I work 5 days a week as well as this so I'm not a complete loser. I have noticed a trend though. Hollywood just lies. This is no new revelation. You always hear that it gives girls the wrong idea about love and romance. That is a big one. I always watched movies as a child and I can remember thinking that is what love was going to be like. I was going to struggle until the day a random guy found me working (probably in a diner). 


Then he was going to see something in me and fall head over heels. We were going to get married, buy a house, go on vacations, have kids and watch them grow. This is what happened to me for the most part. I was a waitress, we did fall in love fast, I already had a kid, we didn't buy a house, I haven't been on a vacation in years, and there is thing called rent that barrels toward me every month.

That kiddos is the American dream. I try to remind myself at all times of what I have. I hope to never loose anything. I am from Oklahoma as many of you have probably already gathered. So I watched the tornado rip through Moore. I watched as debris is still being cleared. I am very lucky that I have what I have. I just wish some days that life were easier. There is always a point in the movie where the individual struggles but something always gets them out of it. This is not the movies. I am aware that I have to lift myself out of this. 

I am sort of in a bullshit mood today as you can probably tell.  I just feel like what I thought was meant to happen just didn't. I am face to face when the decisions that I have made. I look around and I have it pretty good. I make good money working a demeaning job that I happen to love. I have a great schedule. I love spending time with my husband and our daughter. I have food to eat. I have clothes on my back. So yes things could be much worse. Tell me though what is worse than being content...

I am bored with life. I want to venture to a foreign country. I want to learn about a different culture. I want to taste exotic foods. I want to be so close to the ocean I can smell it in the wind. I cannot just leave though. Financially I cannot afford to run around the world. I also have a daughter that I could not drag along through my adventures. That is where my reality sets in.

I will be almost 35 when my daughter turns 18. Yes that is still fairly young. I look at it differently. I was 16 when I had her. I gave up so much to have this little girl. I know that. I wouldn't have done it differently because she has taught me so much about life. I do however have days like today where I wish I could just leave and start a new life. I have to accept my fate. There has to be a reason I am right here, right now. I am a firm believer in fate. I do not believe in much these days. 

I have a good feeling about all of the decisions I have made. They have placed me exactly where I am.

Kelly Rose.

Spitting lyrics.

Hello world.
I have not been on here in what feels like forever. 

I am going to attempt to write a poem or lyric.

(verse 1)
There is something... inside of me
It burns but I wont let go
I tell myself... it's a tragedy
I'm left here burnt and all alone

I try to fight these feelings but they eat me alive
I ask myself what am I doing? Am I wasting my time?
cause ain't nothing good, coming out of this

(Chorus)

Those moments...

where you feel like....this is it!

Its like your dreaming, your favorite dream

where you are holding me and everything is so sweet.

This was about as far as I got. I did just write it though. not too bad for a spur of the moment lyric. I am obviously bored. I will be back later. Thank you for the read. 

Kelly Rose

What is Love.

What is love?

It is an age old question. If you look love up in the dictionary you will see that love is defined as the following.

LOVE

noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.

Verb: Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

I think love is more than what can be defined. How do you put these deep emotional feelings into words. When I think of love all kinds of emotions run to my mind. It is the way he grabs me by the back of my neck and kisses me, as he stops he just lays there and breaths onto me. I feel the passion, I feel a burn. It is the way he tries to save me at all cost, never once leaving me behind. It is the way I am bound to him. I am compelled by him. I am captivated by him.

Have you ever felt like you just knew someone. Like they were always there. Maybe they were in another life. Star crossed lovers if you will. I normally wouldn't believe in all that mushy love stuff, however I believe in this. I believe because I feel it every time he touches me. It reminds me that I do know him, I know him well. I have been there before. I have felt those lips upon mine. That is something I cannot forget. 

When you truly love there is no other you think about. They haunt your every thought. When you close your eyes and imagine their face you can almost taste them on your lips, smell them on your being. They say love is kind. Love is far from kind. It is brutal. It will break you down, it will inspire you. It will become you.

I have loved you in another universe and in another time. You bring life into my life. I love you.

Kelly Rose

Oklahoma winds.

Image from www.google.com

When I look back on this date I will remember exactly where I was, who I was with, and how I felt.  I was at my job running down a hallway, as the lights flickered on and off. I was holding hands with my co-worker running to the safe spot in the middle of the casino. The tornado that hit Moore, Oklahoma today was very close to where I call home. Moore is a place that I go to all the time. It is literally the next town over. I have not seen the devastation in person yet because the highway is closed, however the images that the news is showing is absolutely heartbreaking. I want to let all the families know they are in my heart forever. 

The sadness I feel is overbearing. The thought of a tornado is so scary. If you have never been around one or only seen them on TV. I can tell you now that is how you want to see one. Being near one or in the middle of one is a nightmare. I still remember the first tornado I witnessed. If you are from here you know the one. May 3rd is not just another day in Oklahoma. It was a day that we lost our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends. It was the strongest tornado recorded at the time. I still remember where I was that day. It is actually quite a funny story. 

The year was 1999. The sky started ringing the loudest sounds I had ever heard. It sang a song that told everyone around to get underground right now. My family did not have a shelter so we went into this huge ditch and put mattresses over us. I look back on this memory and realize how ridiculous this was. My family also would go to the bridge and hide underneath it. As many of you know both of these things were not going to save me or my family. I told you it was kind of funny. 

Is it not strange how when a traumatic event happens we remember every detail of that day. This is one of those days. I wont be able to forget. When I hear that siren fill the air I will think twice about how I handle future warnings. If anybody feels the same as I do, or has a question I will be right here. I know that we will overcome all of this. We always do! I am very proud of my state today. My thoughts are with every one of you.

Kelly Rose

Shooting Star.

This week has been a strange one. I feel like so much is going on in my life. I also have realized that when I keep busy I am a happier person in general. It is when I am left alone to my thoughts where the worst part of me emerges. Things in my life seem to be looking up. I am a firm believer in what I call the "sling shot effect". If you have never heard such a thing, allow me to explain. Life pulls you down. At times it might pull you so far you wont believe in anything but the bad. It is pulling you back to shoot you forward. You do not deserve the good, if you cannot go through the bad. In my opinion at least. 

My sling shot has shot me forward. I am not going to let it take all the credit though. I helped a little. 

At this moment I am listening to Hello Goodbye- In your arms in acoustic. I do not know about you guys, but there is nothing I love more than acoustic. It is beautiful. Please do press that play button. 

Well guys It is already 1am here so I am going to get some sleep. I will be back next time. 

Kelly Rose

Since I've Been Gone.

Hello world. I have been absent for quite some time. I have been too preoccupied with work. While I was away I did many things. Some are not so great. That picture right there pretty much explains itself. I had a delicious coffee. 

I watched my daughter play outside. She is growing up right before my very eyes. Each day I try to measure how big she is beside me. I cherish every day with her. Everyone always tells you that the time flies. I have witnessed this myself. The years just flying by. 

As I previously mentioned some are not so great. I got a hot new pair of shades! 











I did some modeling...

Emol&Kelly

I went to the Norman Music Festival. I had a blast with my husband and friends. We filled Sonic cups with vodka and slush. They were extremely strong. We had a blast.







The night before me and my husband walked around the festival. When we were going to leave it started raining. We had to walk blocks to our car in the pouring down rain.  I always saw on romantic movies people would kiss in the rain. We tried it, it was nice. We didn't even run to the car just walked. It was fun.




I HAD A BIRTHDAY!!!!!
You are now looking at a 24 year old. I did not make big plans for my birthday. I was broke and it fell on a Wednesday. I did however go to a passion party. At this passion party I had a penis cookie.



As you can see I have been way too busy.
I need to go put my little one to bed. I will see you guys next time. 

-Kelly Rose

A work in progress.

  Life is passing me by

I stop for nothing, leaving nothing behind

I sometimes look up and I wonder why  

So much to do, so little time

It is not time to whine

It is time to shine
To burn bright
or die trying

written by: Kelly Rose Edwards
April 24,2013

Winds Of Change.

Here we are again. It is 11:30 pm in Oklahoma. I am once again sitting on my bed. watching episodes of cash cab. The computer is heated as it sits on my lap. I have been staring at this blank page for what feels like an hour. Do you ever have so much to say, then nothing can come to mind? My eyes are burning from how tired I am. I really do not feel like sleeping though. Too much is on my mind.

I have been on this personal journey of a sorts lately. I have spoken briefly about it in my past blogs. I have embraced the winds of change. I want to better myself. I am sort of a lazy person. It takes a lot to motivate me. I wish I had all the energy I see other moms have. I think they may all be on meth. I am kidding of course. 

Here lately I have been trying to include my husband on my journey. I would love to have his support in bettering ourselves. I talked and talked. He listened. He is pretty good at that most of the time. We talked about moving to Las Vegas so I could cocktail for a year and make boo-Koo money. We discussed moving to Denver and freezing our asses off. We talked about our future for the first time in a long time. I normally do not like making false realities, however something tells me if me and my husband got on the same track things would finally be okay. It is hard being the only person working in the household. It has showed me just how strong I truly am. I can handle the pressure of the world on my shoulders. I will not give up. I will find a better way to support my family.

My daughter begs me to stay home. She says she wishes I could pick her up from school everyday. She says these things not to break my heart, but to let me know she misses me. I wish sometimes that I could just wake up and be fine. I would not have to work, or pay bills, or worry about food. My car would not be a piece of shit and it would always be full of gas. I can dream of this Utopia but I will never have it until I work my ass off to get it. 

I am not some naive little girl, who thinks the world will fall into my hands. I understand that to have that security you have to work hard. I am motivated to change, to find who I am, where I belong. My life has not been the easiest. I was born into poverty. I have been poor. I mean real poor. I always remember that. I remember where I came from and how far I have already gotten. 

I think more people should want to change. Never settle in your ways. Do not get use to life. It is a bipolar bitch and will change. Be prepared for those moments. You will have your days where you feel defeated. That is okay! I accept those days for what they are. I embrace my sadness, then I pick up and move on. I trust the universe to guide me exactly where I am suppose to go. 

Kelly Rose

You.

You

You bring out the best part of me
You

You leave and

I tell myself to breathe

I, I  cry just to take away the pain

lonely in love 
I forever remain

And there you were in the light

You take my hand and we take off flight

We fly...

We were so high
I felt so alive
inside

You 

You bring out the worst part of me

Written by: Kelly Rose Edwards

April 18, 2013

*P.S.
This is actually a song. I wrote it last night while in the bathtub. I raced to write it down on my blog before my memory failed me. It is still not finished. I have the verse, the chorus, and the hook. I need a 2nd verse. So I will update when I am all the way done. 

Today.

Headphones...check.

Bad ass phone with music player...check

Blog will be ready in...3...2...1

Today...

It started off great. I awoke to the beautiful sun peeking through the blinds of my window. I then got ready for work. It takes a lot of preparation for my job. I can without a shadow of doubt say that it takes longer than any other job I have ever had. I have to put on a full face of makeup which includes the following (In no specific order).

• Primer
• Concealer
• Foundation
• Powder foundation
• Eyeliner
• False eyelashes
• Lipstick
• Bronzer
• Blush
• Eyeshadow

The end result is simply stunning. If I don't say so myself. As I was saying. My day started off great. I drove to work with my radio loud and the windows down. I walked confidently into work. My work day flew by with the help of all of my co-workers. We talk about all kinds of random things. I absolutely love being there sometimes.

 I got off work and drove to my corporate office where I re-took my bar exam (for bar tending). It wasn't until I got home where things started to fall apart. I am a strong person. I do so much. I didn't come here to tell the world the details of mine and my husbands arguments. I came here to vent as usual. This blog is my sanctuary. Honestly here lately I have pretty much only have a couple of friends. I am pretty sad I just lied to a bunch of people I do not know. I have friends. They just are not here. You see kids this thing called life sometimes takes you to crazy places. In my friends case that crazy place ended up being Denver.

I guess you can say I miss my friends. I do every single day. While they are off living their dreams. I am here in a battlefield, broken and alone. I am always alone. Life is so funny, and by funny I mean fucked. While day dreaming today I thought about how 6 months ago I was the happiest I had ever been. Then it all changed. I say changed, but I meant life came crashing down. Everything I had previously known fell apart. I was forced to change on a dime. To choose to not fade away and guess what blog readers? I soared.

I can be happy. I do not have to settle for less than acceptable at least. I heard this quote once and it resonated with me.

 I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question. -Harun Yahya

I am glad I came here. When I write it is soothing for me. I can write way better than I can talk. When I talk I do not think, I just speak. When I write I am able to really think about what I put on a page. I will admit I am random. I am working on things. I will see you guys tomorrow at the same time.

Kelly Rose